disproportionate obsession

Late.

Well. I delayed posting about January because I got caught up in a few things, and the not-posting thing just kind of caught me in an inertia loop. And I got sick at the end of January and Rob was sick for like two weeks, and frankly it was just Life that caught up with me and I just haven’t had the time.

So. January. Went pretty well, actually. I had one beer the entire month, and that was when we had some baby-free time, so I felt like I deserved it. And I had no sweets until my birthday. My mom brought me a cake and I nearly OD’d on the sugar like it was pure heroin or something and I had just mainlined it to my veins.

The goal of finishing the blanket: I am almost done! I did want to get it done by the end of the month, but I just couldn’t get it together. All I have left to do is the border and then I’ll be done.

Goals for February: Finish blanket (really!), cook dinner twice a week and cut down on discretionary spending.

All in all, I think I did OK. Now I’m struggling with the February blues, I think. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to walk through water — I’m so tired all the time. It started mid-month when Catherine started waking up at 3 or 4 in the morning and wouldn’t go back to sleep. I was loathe to let her scream so early in the morning, so I would take her back to the bed with me and Rob. It worked out just great for her, but I can never get comfortable when she’s in the bed, so I wasn’t getting much sleep at all.

It snowballed on itself and we had to do the whole cry-it-out thing and blahblahblah… Anyway, she is sleeping much better now but I’m still digging myself out from the tiredness. I’ve been trying to get up early in the morning to exercise but I am still so tired that I can barely move. I’ve been going to bed early, like at 9, and I’m still trying to eat better, but I just can’t shake this tiredness. Probably some caffeine cutback is called for, as I slam down about four cups a day. And maybe some lower impact exercise, not the 30-Day Shred. I don’t know.

I do know that I am just seriously ready for February to be over. That’s bad, isn’t it?

there was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

We all have stories about ourselves, narratives that we’ve repeated so often that we don’t even stop to think if they are true anymore. “I was a shy child,” some people say, or “I was a fat kid” and even if you aren’t shy or fat or whatever anymore, it’s part of you and it’s part of how you see yourself as an adult.

My narrative is, “I wasn’t very popular in high school and I was a pretty miserable teenager.” It’s true to the extent that I wasn’t very popular, and indeed, I was pretty miserable. But I did have a little pack of very good friends, some of whom I still call “friend” now and really, with the perspective of time… It wasn’t so bad.

But there was a narrative I told myself then, when I was 16 and confused and sad all the time. I was going to be alone forever. I just knew it. I’d drive home from a friend’s house, late at night, listening to OK Computer and thinking about how vast space is, and just thinking… This is it, I’m always going to be driving back home by myself. There won’t be a husband sitting in the seat next to me, won’t be a carseat in the back seat. Just me. It’ll always just be me.

Now, of course, with the hindsight of time, it’s completely ludicrous. And kind of melodramatic, too. I’ll always be ALONE! No one will LOVE ME EVAR! Sob sob sob.

But it was always the story I told about myself, always the thought in the back of my mind and it’s stayed with me for years, to the point where I often wonder how, exactly, I ended up married with a child before turning 30.

And of course, it’s kind of… arrogant, and self-centered. I met my husband when I was 23! That’s so young. In the scheme of things, I had a few lonely years — and so what, who doesn’t? — and yet I have made this into a Thing, a Thing that was part of the story I told about myself and thought about myself and it isn’t even very true anymore.

This all came to me in a rush when I was driving home on Saturday night from a dinner with my parents and my sister. Rob was sick at home and Catherine was tucked into her crib, so I was alone, it was 11 p.m. and I was listening Radiohead and it was quiet. And I wished I could go back to my 16-year-old self and tell her that everything was going to be OK, that one day she’d have this little girl who was wonderful and bright and happy, and that there’d be days where she would actually wish for a little solitude, but only just a litle bit.

But I don’t think she’d believe me.

Update on that goals thing

Hey, did you know that not ingesting booze or sweets is HARD? Who knew, right?

I’ve been getting up at 5:50 a.m. on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays to hit the gym. It’s the best time for me because by the time I’m done and get home, the baby is awake and we can start our days. Maybe this is a common working mother thing, but I always feel like I want to squeeze out as much time as possible with her during the day, and going to the gym after work means spending less time with her. (And, I guess I could go after she goes to bed, but by then it’s 7:30 p.m. or so and my ass is firmly planted on the couch). Getting up an hour earlier than I usually do means I can eke out this time for myself without depleting the time I spend with her.

The sweets thing though… I am a crazy person and may have made cake for people at work. I don’t know why but it gave me this weird pleasurable feeling to have people eat something I made without actually eating any of it myself. Is that some kind of weird-ass feeling about food, or what?

But it is hard. Work has a lot of cakes and cookies and last week I was invited out twice for drinks. I’m just trying to take it day by day and hope that I don’t slip in the next 20 days or so.

In lifestyle goals news: The yarn I was using for the baby blanket was a terrible mess of tangles, since I didn’t realize until recently that you are supposed to unspool the skeins. Oops. So I sat down last night and untangled the whole mess and then knit a half a row before Catherine demanded my full attention. But at least now I have usable yarn.

goals for 2010

I’ve never been much of a goal setter. I tend to set high, lofty goals for myself that are too vague or too general for me to say whether or not I succeed. “Go to the gym” and “lose weight” are pretty open-ended, you know?

But this year I want to do something different, and I intend to keep it public(ish) to keep me honest. I turn 30 at the end of this month and it’s high time I did something new.

I’m going to set two, small goals each month, in two categories: Health/fitness and lifestyle. So in January, my health/fitness goal is to not drink any alcohol and not eat anything sweeter than fruit and my lifestyle goal is to finish knitting a baby blanket I started for the baby a year ago. (I’m almost done! I just need to sit down and finish it!)

By setting small, achievable goals I hope to end 2010 happier, fitter and more productive.

year in review: because everybody’s doing it

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Had a baby.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t recall making any New Year’s resolutions last year; I was probably too tired from being pregnant. I will make some for this year - getting in shape, continuing to be a better mama and wife, kicking ass at work and finishing the outstanding craft projects I have.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Do I count? Heh. I had several friends who also gave birth this year. It’s been a year of babies!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no.

5. What places did you visit?
We went to Aruba in January, but that was pretty much our only trip, outside of the regular family visits to New Jersey and Martha’s Vineyard.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
More energy. I know I can be excused because I was pregnant for the first quarter and bringing up a little baby for the rest of the year, but I’m tired of being exhausted all the time, and I really think it’s because I don’t get enough exercise and because I’m not very good at going to bed at a reasonable hour.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 10, Catherine’s birthday.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not only holding down a full-time job with an infant, but also getting a NEW job. And also, not completely losing my mind over working 40 hours a week and taking care of a baby the other hours of the week.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I hate to call it a “failure” but since I feel like I failed… I am disappointed I wasn’t able to breastfeed for as long as I wanted to. I did not fail Catherine because the most important thing is that she is fed, and healthy, but I really felt like I let myself down. I’m still struggling with accepting that I did try my best.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Oh god yes. Daycare germs are evil and I’ve had so many colds, coughs, viruses - you name it, I probably had it.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A pouch sling from Rockin’ Baby and the Ergo Baby Carrier. The sling was amazing when Catherine was tiny and slept all the time - I was able to hold her close and still eat or read a book or go out. And the Ergo has become invaluable as she’s getting bigger. I didn’t think I’d be such a big fan of babywearing, but I love it!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Rob, definitely. He gets up with Catherine when I’m too tired, he keeps me sane and he often physically made me go nap when she was a newborn and I was sleeping for an hour at a time. He’s the best.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The GOP. Just… ugh.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Daycare, rent, baby gear.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Well, having a baby was pretty awesome. I spent the first part of 2009 super excited for that.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
“White Winter Hymnal” by Fleet Foxes. I downloaded that album right after I had Catherine and I would play it for her all the time when she was tiny. It still makes her happy.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner, but that’s kind of not really accurate, because the weight was due to the baby.
c) richer or poorer? About the same, I think. I make more money than I did at this time last year, but we’re paying for daycare, so I think it’s a wash, basically.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Sleeping. Heh.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Mindless eating.

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2009?
In New Jersey with my in-laws.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Definitely. Every time Catherine smiles at me, I feel my heart grow a little bit more.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
30 Rock, The Wire.

23. What did you do for your birthday in 2009?
I don’t remember! We probably went out for dinner and I probably fell asleep by 9 p.m.

24. What was the best book you read?
Homicide by David Simon, who wrote The Wire.

25. What did you want and get?
A new job, which I did.

26. What did you want and not get?
I don’t know, I don’t think there was really anything I wanted and didn’t get. I am pretty lucky.

27. What was your favorite film of this year?
I did like Star Trek.

28. Did you make some new friends this year?
A few, but I would like to make more in 2010.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A longer maternity leave. A better attitude than just being grumpy about everything.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Maternity clothes, oh god nothing fits, oh god I don’t want to look pregnant when I am postpartum, hurray, postpartum clothes fit again!

31. What kept you sane?
Rob. My family. Catherine.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Gerard Butler. It’s OK if I re-watch 300 again and again just to see him shirtless, right?

33. What political issue stirred you the most?
The healthcare debate. I am firmly in favor of a single payer, universal option, but I understand the need for compromise. However, the rhetoric surrounding the “debate” (which I put in quotation marks, since it’s hardly a debate, more of a screamfest) was just disgusting. Death panels? Pulling the plug on Grandma? Give me a fucking break.

34. Who did you miss?
I miss Suvi all the time and I wonder if we will ever live in the same city again. (Suvi, come back to Boston!)

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
If you just have a little confidence in yourself, you really can do it.

Bubblegum

Last Friday, I took a sick, feverish baby to the doctor, only to learn she has an ear infection in her right ear. It might sound weird but I was actually relieved she did have one — it meant there was medication the doctor could give me instead of just shrugging and saying, “Well, I guess she just has a virus she needs to get over!”

The amoxicillin comes as a bubblegum-flavored syrupy liquid that we can either stick in her bottle or try to syringe into her mouth (the bottle method is much more effective, btw).

I had ear infections from time to time as a kid and the smell of the weird, fake bubblegum evokes some kind of Proustian memories in me. Memories of my mom spooning it into my mouth. Memories of being pleased I was getting to taste something sugary but then realizing, as it hit my mouth, that it wasn’t exactly candy and had this weird, chemical aftertaste.

It makes me step back and put myself in my mom’s shoes. It’s a weird feeling to have. I always thought my mom was pretty, smart, omniscient. That she had the magic to not only know what I was doing at all times but also the magic to take away hurts and make me feel better. It’s a weird place to be now, on the other side.

O hai

I like to blog, I just… don’t, I guess. Maybe I think my life really isn’t that interesting? But in any case, I’ve decided to write again. I don’t know about what - maybe some of my craft projects, or about my baby, or what, but I’m just going to use this space to be a little creative.